This is one of those times…
This is one of those times…
Guess it’s a 2 Zefrank day. Sometimes I wonder if he has access to the libraries of my head carefully selecting one fear or another of mine.
I’ve never had an easy time with this one either. And my lack of trust..in others..in myself..has made my life more difficult. Most of the time it was an unwarranted lack of trust..sometimes my lack of trust led to exactly that which I was fearing..and betrayal on my part, or their part, led to massive pain. WAY more than what I feared when I was untrusting. So that could go two ways.. 1)See…I was right to not trust. or the reality 2)That lack of trust eroded something pure and true and caused the betrayal.
Funny how that is..focus on what you want..because that’s where you end up. If you are driving, if you are swinging a bat, if you are working on your career, if you are in love, if you are baking a cake, if you are snowboarding down a black run…don’t focus on what you don’t want. That’s just dumb. You’ll crash. And it will hurt. A lot.
Any one who knows me, knows I’m always panicking about the time left in my life. Truthfully I always have been, since I had way more jellybeans than I have now. I keep telling myself that it really doesn’t matter how many days there are left if I savor every one of them.
Jellybeans are pretty great. So is Zefrank.
All right. Fuck it. I’m going all the way. 100. Watch out everyone.
This lady is as old as she is, because she lives for something outside of herself. I’m sure of it.
I just recently watched two super interesting videos about Likes. Facebook, Instagram, Tumblr..whatever. You know what I’m talking about. It’s become a pervasive way of validating ourselves. I’m just as guilty as anyone. I encourage you to watch both of these videos below. The first might feel a little bit elementary, almost as if they are speaking to an audience that has lived a sheltered digital experience, but there are still some points and exposure to some things that made it worth the watch. You have to link over to Frontlines site though..
This 2nd video is an investigation on fake likes. And really, just how many there are and how it affects ones marketing on Facebook specificially. I found it pretty validating in my own thoughts that Facebook likes are really not all that helpful in the end game. But, it’s still a game that must be played.
Much respect to VICE for putting this together and following through with truly is a pretty remarkable event.
I’ve spent my whole life looking ahead, towards the future. Always gunning it, working as hard as I can, going as fast as I can, piling on more, committing to more, expecting more. Always expecting more. Of myself, of others, of my life. THIS wasn’t it..IT was ahead of me, just around the corner and I better get there fast before it’s dark and I can’t see it any more.
The scenic view is right here.
Everything I’ve been or done or seen or said or wished for but is now past is in the rear view mirror. All the gunning has just gotten me closer to what? What is it? Because I don’t feel closer to anything. At all. In fact, now it feels like maybe I accidentally passed it all, and accidentally ran over some people in my desperate flight for that thing ahead that I thought I had an idea about. It is so rare for me to be pleased in the moment. Why? Sometimes when I’m conscious and accepting of the moment, which in itself has been a rare thing, though it does get easier the older I get, but when I actually am conscious of that moment, I often feel awkward and that consciousness becomes SELF consciouness real quickly. And that’s no good. So what’s the problem? Why is it so hard to be here now? Whats wrong with now? What’s wrong with what this moment holds? What’s wrong with where you are now? What’s wrong with the people you love? What’s wrong with slowing down and realizing what you have and how little control you actually have in life?
Nothing. So, self, do it. Relax. This IS the scenic view.
The older I get, the more I understand how tragic life can be, how little it takes to shift from one road to the next and how irrelevant it is to judge others on their blundering path through life. We all blunder at some point. I just finished watching Stories We Tell, a documentary about a girl, the director, who is in search of understanding her deceased mother and her living father, and her newly realized biological father, a result of an affair with a man who 30 years later still loved her to the depths of his core. You can tell. The story slowly unwinds through the articulate interviews with brothers and sisters and also, the written story as spoken by her father. This movie has a lot to say about love, life, and the search for truth of relationship or existence.
Much of the film is composed of interviews and vintage home movie footage, but some of the scenes are reinacted, with actors, which comes as a disappointment to me and what I thought was the directors search for truth. They seem misplaced in their attempts to recreate reality, going a step further than the spoken “truths” of those vocalizing their memories of the mother and the events that transpired. There is a scene in the film that is one of the more beautiful moments I’ve ever seen in a film though, and it’s really pure perfection of story, edit and sound track working in perfect harmony creating something that speaks so much louder than any one of it’s parts could ever reach.
It’s worth watching the film just for that minute..but if you don’t..it’s this song below, Demon Host by Timber Timbre, playing and one by one each person who has been in the film up to this point is shown sitting in silence/thought with their faces bearing the weight of their memories. If ever there is truth, it is in that moment, on each of their faces.
The film is definitely worth a watch. You can get to it here. Stories We Tell.
I haven’t fact checked this because I really want it to be true.